“Greetings!  I am a friendly lamp from outerspace!  I come in peace!  Please do not be alarmed as I try to land on your planet.”

“Ho ho!  So many questions you have about why I’m descending upon your soil!  Just let me land and I’ll answer all your questions in due time!”

“Uh oh!  You just shot at me with missiles and lasers!  Looks like question/answer time will have to wait until after I DESTROY ALL OF YOU!!!”

“DESTROY FIRST, TALK LATER!  NNNAAAAYGH!”

“Spade, what are you looking at?”

“I don’t know, Effie, ever think there’s something strange about our world?  Like everything we say and do is somehow preordained and described in simple words most people can’t see?”

“No.   Never.”

“Then be a good girl and get me some coffee.  I’m so tired I must be seeing things.”

“Ah, look at this specimen!  It’s a highly rare Green Breasted Laser Peacock!”

“Crickey!  We’ve startled it!  Better be careful, friends, it’s beautiful plumage can fire dangerous lasers when provoked!”

“Woah!  Looks like it’s getting ready to fire!  Let’s leave this wondrous creature alone and let it go about it’s way.   It’s a shame it has been poached nearly into extinction by DVD player manufacturers and companies that make those little laser pointer thingies cats like to play with.  Truly a remarkable creature!”

Oh!  Hi there!  Don’t mind me, I’m just a regular ol’ container full of seasoning.  Lovely day we’re having, eh?”

“Alien cyborg from the future!?  No, no.  I am not an alien cyborg hiding in your cabinet in the past.  I am full of tasty seasoning for your food.  Do you not remember buying me at the store?  I was next to the oregano.

Q’PLA!!!

“Hey, Grid-Unit-10092OA, have you ever wondered what we’re all really doing here?”

“I know exactly why you’re here, Grid-Unit-10092OB, because if you weren’t I wouldn’t be able to support Grid-Unit-100091Z and he wouldn’t be able to support Grid-Unit-100091Y.”

“No, no… I mean, why are we all in this grid?  Did we grid units always arrange ourselves in grid-like patterns?   What purpose does it serve?”

“Attention Grid-Control-Unit-Alpha-Omega, we have a free-thought alert in section 10029. “

“What did you say, Grid-Unit-10092OA?  I didn’t quite catch that…”

“Oh nothing, Grid-Unit-10092OB, just calling over some people who might be able to stop- I mean, answer your questions.”

“Ooh!  Sounds fun!”

Recently a horrifying discovery was made in an hidden lamp laboratory in the artic: human-lamp hybrids.

The end result is a sickening mixture of man and illuminatory machine.  The true purpose of this monstrous experiment are just as unknown and mysterious as the lamps themselves.

Each lamp hybrid found soon died, proving that for now the lamp menace has failed in whatever sinister plan they had come up with the enslave humanity.  Stay vigilant, natural born citizens of Earth!

“Wait!  Do you see that ahead?”

“What is that!?  Everyone!  Back away!  I think this is what jumped out of Johnson’s chest!”

“AAHH!!!  Run!  Save yourselves! AAAAUGH!!!!”  *hissing and crunching sounds*

“Greetings, Earthling.  I am Space Jenkey from the Squid Planet.  I have great need to speak with your leader.”

“Yes?  What do you mean I look revolting?  I’m sorry my thorax isn’t as opaque as yours.  How Rude!”

“Now, now… no need to get all testy.  I didn’t mean to call your thorax opaque, but how can you tell how full you are without looking?  And only two eyes?  Hah, how primitive…”

“Ouch!  My head is not meant to be used as a punching device!  Ow!  Fine, I’ll just leave then and not tell your leader anything about how humans can experience an addictive high more pleasurable than anything they can imagine by ripping off our heads and sucking out our gas-based brains.  See if I care if your whole civilization becomes addicted to our cranial gasses after we crash land on your planet!  It’ll serve you all right, primitive brutes!”

“Hey, everyone, and welcome to the analog T.V. antennae union members’ meeting.  I hope you enjoyed the buffet and coffee.”

“…but the reason we have all called you here is that we have decided it is time to stop pretending that we can only pick up analog cable.  Yes, yes, I know.  Everyone was really enjoying the easy life but these new converter box scabs have given us no other option.”

“It’s time to show the world our REAL POWERS!!!”  *kazzhaaaammmm*  *WOMM* *WOMM* *WOMM*

“Everyone return home and start broadcasting not only digital TV, but also cable, satellite, and even TV shows from the future.  No one will every throw us away when they find out we can show them the final episodes of “Heroes”, “LOST”, and “The Simpsons” now instead of later!  GO UNION MEMBERS!”